Okay ... can we talk about something very serious for a moment?! Text messaging has become the quickest way of communication in America and all over the world. This, of course, is sad. We no longer want to talk on the phone - that person we are talking to never lets us off. We don't e-mail - it takes too long and people judge us if we don't use correct punctuation and grammar (including me). We don't even AIM anymore - it's simply a place for us to read away messages. The last time I IMed someone, they literally IMed back, "Who IMs anymore?" WHAT? I assumed that Facebook wall messages were going to be the fastest way to get a message to someone without having to get stuck "talking to them." I was wrong. Text messaging has become the number one way of communicating with another person. In fact, a statistic revealed by "CellSigns" states that as of 2008, 75 billion text messages are sent in an average month. This number has grown by 250% each year and will probably grow by 300% in the next three years.
If all of this is true and text messaging is going to be the main way of communication for the next few years, can we make some changes? In order to be a fast "texter," which is a title I am usually credited with, you need to use something called T9 prediction. I do not know why it's called T9 and I don't care. Pretty much, T9 prediction allows you to type in a word without choosing the exact letter you need for the word. The phone predicts what word you want. Naturally, because there are an average of three letters per number (unless you have a full keyboard on your phone, which I don't want to get into a ridiculous rant about), there are a few possibilities as to what words can be predicted. If the phone does not predict the right word, one needs to press the star button to get the other options. If one uses a special word, or someone's name, you have the option to type the name way in the traditional way and then save it, personalizing your phone. For instance, the phone predicts my wife's name as "Connie," but now the second option is "Bonnie."
There are many people that completely ignore the "option" button and just allow the phone to predict words for you. This either means that they are drunk texting you or they don't care enough about you to press the damn star key! This has led to such texts as, "Call Non. She is pick." What was the process of choosing the order of these words?? It's not alphabetical! Unless these idiots think n comes before m.
Let's face it, people are generally stupid! But the people assigned the job of choosing the order of words that come out through the prediction system need to be shot. Who are these people? Who thought that "non" was going to be sent through a text message more than "mom"? Making sure my sister remembered by mother's birthday, I once sent her a text that said, "Did you send non a birthday case?" REALLY? Who needs to use the word "case" in a text?
When gossiping with friends, one tends to ask things like, "Did he kiss her?" But if you don't pay attention, you sound like a moron saying, "Did he lips her?" Who needs the words "lips" in a text (though I will admit the irony that "lips" and "kiss" are the same buttons)? Maybe you need to tell someone your lips are chapped. But you know what I would say to someone who text me about their chapped lips? "So get some fuckin chap stick and get on with your life!" Of course, it would come out as "So get some dublin bias quick and get on with your life!" BIAS? Who the hell needs to say "bias" in a text message? Furthermore, are the people using text messaging as their main form of communication discussing things such as the bias Americans has for the city of Dublin or are they saying "fuckin"? You decide!
"Where are you?" (So far, so good)
"What are you talking about?" (Nice!)
"You were supposed to be here two hours ago." (Still going strong ... )
"Chamber are, I diem't get the message." (What?)
First of all, who in God's name talks about a chamber in a text message? "I have your wife locked in a chamber!" And diem't? What the dual is that? Sorry, I meant to say, "What the fuck is that?" But I guess the morality of these prediction deciders forbids them from using the f-word. And, of course, dual is a word used by so many texters when referring to two of something.
"I an good." This often is sent when someone wants to tell someone else that they have reached their residence. Why? Because the great prediction deciders have deemed that "an" is used more often than "am." Apparently, using "an" before a word starting with a vowel is more popular than people talking about themselves! These people must not be American. Then, of course, there is "good," rather than "home." I got news for you, ladies. If he is sending you a text message, he doesn't give a flying "dual" if you are good, but he does care if you are "home." You know why? He cares more about getting to where you are to "dual" you than how you are feeling!
So, we can only hope that AT&T, Verizon, and the other companies hire smarter people for their next big breakthrough. But until they do, be careful what you send to those people you are trying to flirt with through text messaging. They might be confused when you tell them you want to lips them and dual them all might long (that's right, might comes before night) Stupid shiv heads!!
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